Top 22 things an Indian does after returning to India from "US"

Top 22 things an Indian does after returning to India from "US".

22. Use Nope for No and Yep for Yes.

21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.

19. Sprays deo such so that he doesn't need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Yogurt" instead says "Curds".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says " Free Way " instead of "Highway".
Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven
Zero Four)

16.Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!"

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".

8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.

6.. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.

5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".

4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

Ultimate one:
1. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

Funniest Signs

1) SIGN IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:

Bargain basement upstairs.

2) NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILT SHIRE PARISH:

Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

3) NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER's WINDOW:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

4) SIGN IN A LAUNDROMAT:

Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

5) IN AN OFFICE:

After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

6) Sign on motorway garage:Will and Guy's humour - elephant joke

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

7) Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

8) Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Blind Persons Crossing

9) Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

10) Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

11) Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

12) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Maths FUN

1.) SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT .

2.) An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

3.) Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

4.) 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = 4 minute song in Hindi movie.

5.) Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.

6.) Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan -Talent.

7.) Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

8.) 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

9.) 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

10.) 1 person + straight hair + unstraight walk = Sanjay dutt

11.) 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

12.) One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives + A house bigger
than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya'sFilm.

13.) One man + one woman = Isha Deol

14.) Time waste - time = Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi

15.) Boring songs + heavy dialogues + Bogus dressing = Devdas

16.) New heroes + New heroins = a flop movie

17.) Old heroes + new heroins = a blunder

18.) Old heroes + old heroins = timepass

19.) action - suspense + comedy - thrill - story - clothes = Indiansuperhit movie

20.) Do aur do paanch = Indian algebra
1 Lady - 1 Brain = Aishwarya Rai
1 Lady - 1/2 Clothes = Mallika Sherawat
1 Lady + 1 Buffalo = Yana Gupta

The Most Idiotic Theorems

Theorem 1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.
Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.



Theorem 2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.



Theorem 3. A crocodile is longer than it is wide.
Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D.



Theorem 4. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.



Theorem 5. Napoleon was a poor general.
Proof: Most men have an even number of arias. Napoleon was warned that Wellington would meet him at Waterloo. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. But four arms is certainly an odd number of arms for a man. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Napoleon had an infinite number of arms in his battle against Wellington. Since Napoleon still lost the battle, he must have been a very poor general indeed.



Theorem 6. If 1/0 = ¥ , then 1/¥ = 0.
Proof (by rotation). Given 1/0 = ¥ , rotate both sides 90° counterclockwise and obtain -10 = 8 . Subtract 8 from both sides: - 18 = 0. Finally, rotate both sides 90° in the reverse direction: 1/¥ = 0.



Theorem 7. Death comes to no man.
Proof. As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.



Theorem 8. All governments are unjust.
Proof: To establish the truth of this proposition we need only show it true for an arbitrary government. But by definition, a government that is arbitrary is unjust.



Theorem 9. Christmas = Halloween = Thanksgiving (at least for assembly language programmers).
Proof: By definition, Christmas = Dec. 25; Halloween = Aug. 31; Thanksgiving = Nov. 27, sometimes. Again by definition,
Dec 25 is 25 base 10 or (2 x 10) + (5 x 1) = 25.
Oct 31 is 31 base 8 or (3 x 8) + (1 x 1) = 25.
Nov 27 is 27 base 9 or (2 x 9) + (7 x 1) = 25

LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool

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1. You can stare at any Girl.......

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2. You don't have to spend money on her.

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3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.

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4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

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5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.

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6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.

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7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.

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8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.

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9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore.

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10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.

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11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.

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12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.

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13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.

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14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less.

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15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her.

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16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks.

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17. No nonstop nonsense.

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18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.

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19. No tension.

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20. You can be "urself"

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21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....

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