The Most Idiotic Theorems

Theorem 1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.
Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.



Theorem 2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.



Theorem 3. A crocodile is longer than it is wide.
Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D.



Theorem 4. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.



Theorem 5. Napoleon was a poor general.
Proof: Most men have an even number of arias. Napoleon was warned that Wellington would meet him at Waterloo. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. But four arms is certainly an odd number of arms for a man. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Napoleon had an infinite number of arms in his battle against Wellington. Since Napoleon still lost the battle, he must have been a very poor general indeed.



Theorem 6. If 1/0 = ¥ , then 1/¥ = 0.
Proof (by rotation). Given 1/0 = ¥ , rotate both sides 90° counterclockwise and obtain -10 = 8 . Subtract 8 from both sides: - 18 = 0. Finally, rotate both sides 90° in the reverse direction: 1/¥ = 0.



Theorem 7. Death comes to no man.
Proof. As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.



Theorem 8. All governments are unjust.
Proof: To establish the truth of this proposition we need only show it true for an arbitrary government. But by definition, a government that is arbitrary is unjust.



Theorem 9. Christmas = Halloween = Thanksgiving (at least for assembly language programmers).
Proof: By definition, Christmas = Dec. 25; Halloween = Aug. 31; Thanksgiving = Nov. 27, sometimes. Again by definition,
Dec 25 is 25 base 10 or (2 x 10) + (5 x 1) = 25.
Oct 31 is 31 base 8 or (3 x 8) + (1 x 1) = 25.
Nov 27 is 27 base 9 or (2 x 9) + (7 x 1) = 25